REMORSE by GTO_Racer
I saw him standing in the back. I hadn't noticed him come in, and I was completely shocked to see him -- here -- now -- ever. Honestly, I believed that he was actually dead. His sudden appearance left me speechless. That was a REALLY bad thing right now, because I had just stepped up to the podium to give a eulogy for my husband laying in the casket below me. As it was the last time I had seen him 30-years ago, butterflies swarmed my tummy, my nipples hardened, and moisture began to form in my pussy. I was left breathless, and my heart began doing flip-flops.
I guess my stare and lack of speaking caused everyone in the sanctuary to become curious, because most of the people turned to look at where I was looking. That just caused more curiosity, because out of the multitude of people there for the funeral, only one other person would even know who he was. That would be my younger sister, Elaine. A glance at her showed that she didn't recognize him. I did. There was no way that I couldn't have recognized him.
He simply stared at me. Then his lips turned up into a smile, he nodded to me, then turned and walked out of the funeral home. As Jim's wife for the last 20-years, I had to speak. I was so rattled that I simply began speaking, completely forgetting my prepared speech. I said some horseshit about Jim comforting me as I went through a very bad time in my life. Of course, I neglected to say what caused it. I spoke more bullshit about a loving husband and raising our two children together. I spoke of the wonderful loving relationship that we falsely portrayed to everyone. I spread the shit about that alcoholic, unambitious loser like you are supposed to do at their funeral. Naturally, I left all that stuff out. I even cried. That wasn't hard for me to do. No one even suspected that it wasn't Jim I was crying for. I cried because I saw HIM.
I played my part perfectly at the cemetery. I was the grieving widow who had just lost the love of her life. Truthfully, I was. It just wasn't Jim. I was actually glad that the bastard finally died, and I was free of him. Unfortunately, I didn't know what a complete cheating asshole he was until it was too late. By that time, I had already been married to him for a couple of years and was raising our two children. Mallory was five when we got married. He adopted her when we got married. Keith came along shortly after our wedding. I stuck with it because I wasn't going to raise my children alone, and I didn't have a whole lot of options.
It was finally over. Jim's casket had been lowered into the hole, I threw my flowers and a handful of dirt in. My children were assisting me away from the grave site to our waiting car. I happened to look over to my right and saw him standing there. He was a couple hundred feet away and leaning against a tree. My sudden stop took my kids by surprise. I stumbled as they kept moving and pulled me forward. Regaining my balance, I took another look and saw him walking away.
"BOBBY!" I called out. I turned and began trying to run. Wearing high heels in grass is not favorable to running. "BOBBY! PLEASE! BOBBY, STOP. PLEASE COME BACK!" I hollered as I was trying to run. He never looked back. He continued to walk away.
"Mom! What the hell?" Mallory asked as she was trying to stop me. "What are you doing? Who is that man?"
"Please. You have to stop him. I have to talk to him. I can't let him go again."
"What are you talking about, mom? Who is he, and what do you mean that you can't let him go again?" Mallory asked.
It was too late. I fell to my knees sobbing as I watched him get into a pickup truck and drive away. My heart felt like it exploded as I lost him again. He wasn't dead. He was still alive. It didn't make sense. If he were alive, where had he been, and why didn't he ever come home? I had mourned for him. I had been destroyed when he disappeared. Now, I was being destroyed again by his sudden appearance.
It was 30-years ago, give or take a few months. My wonderful husband, Bobby, was due to return from his business trip this evening. I had wonderful news for him, and I was fixing his favorite dinner to celebrate. I even had a bottle of Merlot waiting. I had timed it perfectly. He was supposed to get home right at 6:00 that evening. He would have time to go upstairs, shower and change before eating. I was going to tell him the great news over dinner, then we would celebrate for most of the night. I had even laid out some special lingerie for later.
6:30 came and went. Perhaps traffic was worse than usual. 7:00. There might have been an accident on the freeway that was causing delays. 7:30. I was beginning to get worried. 8:00. Had Bobby been in an accident? By midnight, I was in full panic mode. At one o'clock in the morning, I began dialing his pager. He didn't have a cellphone at that time. Perhaps if he was in the hospital, someone might notice the pager going off and call me back.
At 8:00 the next morning, I called his office. No one had seen or heard from him. I contacted the police and told them that I was worried because he never came home last night. They had no information, and they had not had any accidents last night. I had to wait until the next day to file a missing person's report.
I spent the day calling all his friends and acquaintances that I knew about. Bobby didn't have any family left. He was an only child, and his parents had died a couple years earlier. No one knew anything. I called my younger sister. I was panicking, so she came over to console me. I continued to try and page Bobby. Early the next morning, I was at the police station filing a missing person's report. I didn't like a lot of the questions that I was asked. It was insinuated that Bobby may be cheating on me and was just staying at his lover's house. I knew better. Bobby would never cheat on me.
For the next several weeks, I was a basket case. My sister stayed with me and had to keep me as calm as possible. Too much stress would be bad for the baby growing inside of me. That was the news that I was going to tell my loving husband. He was going to be a father. We had been planning and trying for a while, and it finally happened. The only thing that I was told was that they had found Bobby's car abandoned at a shopping mall two towns away. There were no other clues to go on.
Within a month, I was in serious financial trouble. I was not working, and Bobby's paycheck was no longer coming in. His company had terminated him for not showing up. I used the money that we had in savings to hire a private detective to look for Bobby. After two weeks and no information, I didn't have the money to continue. While we didn't have any credit card debt, there was still the mortgage payment due on the house. With no money coming in, I was already two months behind with no way of catching up.
Jim had been a godsend during that time. He had been Bobby's best friend, and we had gotten very close over the last few years. He continued to make sure I had food and necessities, but he couldn't help with the mounting bills. Unlike Bobby, who was intelligent and driven to succeed, Jim was rather lazy and unmotivated. He also wasn't as intelligent as Bobby was. Putting it bluntly, Jim had delusions of adequacy.
The bank foreclosed. Elaine only had a small studio apartment, so I couldn't stay there. Not having a real income, I couldn't afford an apartment of my own, but Jim was renting a two-bedroom trailer. With few options, I moved in with him. He was taking care of me, after all. Why didn't I try to get a job? Who is going to hire a pregnant woman that will just be taking a few months off on maternity leave shortly?
So, let me anticipate your questions. Yes, I moved into Jim's bedroom. It was a two-bedroom single-wide mobile home, so we needed one bedroom for the nursery. That left either the couch or Jim's bed. Besides, Jim was taking care of me. It wasn't really love -- at least for me -- but at least it was enjoyable. No, it wasn't as good as Bobby, but it wasn't really bad either.
Eventually, Mallory was born. We hit up about every second-hand store and garage sale in the county getting everything we needed for the baby. I will say one good thing; Jim doted on Mallory. I eventually had to get a job, since the bills were getting bigger, and Jim had lost yet another job. Having been not part of the workforce for a few years and not going to college, my choices were limited. I eventually managed to get a job as a sales associate at the local department store.
For the next five years, I continued to try to search for Bobby. I couldn't afford a PI, but I used what little knowledge I had of computers to search for his name and any other info I could find. I continued to hound the police on his case, and I went through every detail of every anonymous body that turned up. I never found anything.
I finally ran out of options. I had forced myself to face the fact that he was dead somewhere, and I was never going to find him. Besides, Jim was pressuring me to get off my ass and move ahead with my life. I filed for divorce because of abandonment. Six months later, Jim and I were married. Six months after that, Keith was born. Yeah, do the math on that one.
Things fell into a sort of routine over the next couple of years. I would go to work. When Jim had a job, we would drop the kids off a daycare until one of us got off of work to pick them up. When Jim was out of work, he would watch them until I got home. I had my tubes tied when Keith was born, so we didn't need to worry about having more kids.
Jim began drinking more when Keith was two years old. It became apparent that I really didn't love him, and I never would. He had a harder time finding, then keeping, a job. When Keith was five years old, I discovered him cheating on me for the first time. I ignored it. I ignored the second one as well. Then I ignored all the rest of them. We pretty much became more like roommates than husband and wife. I'm not going to say 'Friends with benefits' because we weren't really even friends by that point. We still did have sex occasionally, but it was just an exercise to relieve the stress. Over time, I really began to despise him. Looking back, I'm pretty sure that I was subconsciously blaming all my problems on him. We never had much money, and we were always seeming to struggle to survive. I made the best of it, but I was pretty miserable. Still, I did my best to raise my kids right. I think I did OK. I couldn't help but compare my new life with the life I had with Bobby.
So, finally we are here. Jim's drinking and lifestyle finally caught up to him. He was in pretty bad shape by the time his heart decided it had had enough and gave out. Elaine had finally gotten married to a decent man several years ago, and they had bought a nice house to raise their two daughters. Mallory had graduated college and was working her way up the corporate ladder. Keith had decided to enlist in the Navy after graduating high school, and he was doing well. We had just gotten back to my sister's house after the funeral. I had no desire to return to the rundown mobile home yet. Besides, after what happened at the cemetery, it was blatantly obvious that I was in no condition to be alone.
"What the fuck, Elly? What happened? Who were you screaming at?" Elaine asked after sitting me on the couch.
"Bobby. My Bobby was there."
"Bobby is dead. He died 30-years ago."
"No. He was at the funeral home, then again at the cemetery."
"Look, Elly, it's been a long stressful day. You were just imagining it. Losing your husband after 25-years, your mind is just playing tricks on you and hallucinating images of your past. You just want to believe that Bobby is still out there and will come back for you."
"NO! GODDAMNIT! HE WAS THERE! HE'S STILL ALIVE! HE SMIRKED AT ME LIKE HE KNEW SOMETHING I DON'T!"
"Mom. Who is he, and why is he so important?" Mallory asked.
"He's your father, Sweetheart. He was my first husband and the love of my life."
"What??? But you always... I thought.... How come...." She stuttered.
"Well, where has he been all this time?" Keith asked.
"I don't know. He just never came home one day. We all thought he was dead."
It was a week before I could bring myself to go back to the mobile home. I knew Bobby was out there somewhere. Everyone else believed that I was just seeing things. No one could explain who the man at the back of the funeral home was, but they wouldn't believe that it was Bobby. I knew different. Life returned to normal -- or as normal as it could be. Some friends would occasionally pressure me to stop off after work and have a drink or two. I was still fairly attractive for my age, and I would get hit on every once in a while, but I would always turn them down. I had resolved myself to be celibate from then on. I knew Bobby was still out there, and he would be my one and only. I would have no one else.
It was a year later. I had returned from work one evening. I opened the door and walked in. I almost fell over my feet as I stopped so suddenly. There, sitting on the couch was Bobby.
"B-B-B-B-Bobby?" I stammered.
"Hello, Elly."
"You-You-You're here?"
"I am."
"Where have you been, and why did you disappear?"
"You know why."
"No, I don't. You just never came home from your trip. You vanished. I thought you were dead."
"I was dead. Sure, my heart was still beating, and I was still breathing, but everything else was dead."
"I don't understand."
"Elly, do you remember the last time I got home from one of my business trips?"
"Of course, I remember. I always remember you coming home from a trip. We always made love the entire night, and you would stay home from work the next day to recover."
"No Elly. The last time I came home. It was my last trip."
"YOU DIDN'T COME HOME! I WAITED ALL NIGHT, BUT YOU DIDN'T COME HOME! IT WAS THURSDAY NIGHT, AND I MADE A SPECIAL DINNER SO I COULD TELL YOU SOME GREAT NEWS, BUT YOU NEVER CAME HOME!"
"But I did come home, Elly. I asked if you remember, but you don't. You don't remember me coming home, because I came home on Wednesday, not Thursday. Now do you remember?"
He told me what had happened after coming home and finding me in bed with Jim. He told me of the pain he felt of our betrayal. He told me how his spirit died right then and of leaving. He told me of the two years he lived on the street before waking up from his sadness and beginning to move on. He told me of how he felt he had lost everything he cared about especially when he heard me tell Jim that he was actually the father of her baby. He said that he had began using his middle name and his mother's maiden name to hide while he created a new life for himself. He changed jobs and moved around constantly working gigs for cash. He kept informed on my life out of curiosity. He knew about the divorce from the public notice in the newspaper. A few years after that, he had met another woman and eventually got married. They had three children that were almost grown up by that point. I was so overwhelmed with remorse that I couldn't bring myself to tell him the one single important thing that I needed to. I just couldn't hurt him again. When he left, I simply shut down in remorse and grief.
It was two days later when my sister found me catatonic on my couch. I hadn't moved since Bobby left later that evening. I couldn't bring myself to function. I was severely dehydrated and hadn't eaten anything. She couldn't get me to respond. I just sat there staring into space. She finally called Mallory to help her get me into her car to take me to her house. My clothes were a mess, so Mallory grabbed a couple changes of clothes and followed Emily home. They worked together to shower me and dress me in some underwear and sweats that Mallory grabbed. Then, they sat me on the couch. They managed to pour some water into my mouth for me to drink. The only reaction I had at all was the occasional tear that ran down my cheek.
I sat there for several hours before finally beginning to come out of it.
"Elly?" Elaine said. "My God! What happened to you?"
"It was Bobby. He came to see me."
"You mean in a dream?"
"No. He was at my house when I got home."
"Elly! Bobby is dead. You need to accept that."
"He's not dead. At least not physically. He knew. He caught me, and I never knew it."
"What do you mean that he caught you, mom?" Mallory asked.
"He came home. He came home, and I never saw him. I didn't know."
"I don't understand. You waited up all night that night and never saw him come home?"
"No. Not that night. He came home the night before. He came home a day early, and I never saw him."
"What are you talking about?"
"I was having an affair with Jim. Bobby came home a day early from his trip and saw Jim fucking me in our bed. We never even noticed. He heard me tell Jim that he was actually Mallory's father. Bobby just quietly left and disappeared. He's been alive all this time. He just left me."
"Then where in the hell has he been all this time?"
"Wait a minute. So, if you were having an affair with Jim back then, why did you tell me that Bobby was my father? You always told everyone that Jim was my biological father."
"I said that because it was easier. Jim was helping us out, and it made him happy. There was actually a fifty-fifty chance either way. I never told anyone that I did a DNA test several years ago and confirmed that you were Bobby's."
Mallory:
I had began walking away from the grave site after my mother's funeral. Mom was never the same after Bobby spoke to her that night. As far as I knew, she never heard from him again. I tried on a several occasions to find him and talk, but I was unsuccessful. Mom never dated again. She had offers, but she turned them all down. She stopped living and simply existed. Even being around her grandchildren barely lifted her out of her sadness. I heard her mumble something once about wishing she could share this time with her husband. I knew it wasn't Jim she was thinking of.
I was with my husband and three kids on the way back to the car when I saw him. He was older than I remembered, but that was to be expected. Telling my husband that I wouldn't be long, I turned and walked over to where he stood.
"You're Bobby?"
"I am." He replied.
"Why are you here?"
"Isn't it obvious? She was my soul mate. I always loved her, and I always will."
"Then why did you leave?"
"Do you love your husband?"
"Of course, I do."
"Imagine coming home one day and finding him in your bed with your best friend. Then imagine hearing her tell him that she's pregnant with his child. What would you do?"
I had no answer for that.
"They were the two people in this world who I could count on for anything. They destroyed everything I believed in. I had to walk away before I destroyed them as well. I eventually moved on, but it took a couple of years. I have a different life now. I have a wife and three grown children. I had to come to pay my respects to the woman who once meant more to me than life itself. I'm sorry for your loss, and even though I didn't say it before, I'm also sorry for the loss of your father several years ago."
With that, he turned to leave. I shot out my hand to stop him. When he turned back, I spoke.
"Mom lied. My father is not dead, and I would like to get the chance to know him a bit."
A sad smile came across his face. He took my hand and gently removed it from his shoulder.
"It takes much more to be a father than simply donating the sperm. You look like a wonderful lady. Your parents obviously raised you right. Best to let sleeping dogs lie. Now that my Elly is gone, perhaps I can finally find peace. Goodbye, Mallory. May you and your husband have a long happy life together."
With that, he was gone. I never saw him again. Several years later, I received an obituary notice for him. I did attend the funeral. I listened to his wife, son, two daughters and several friends speak of the wonderful man he was. They also spoke of the occasional bouts of profound sadness that he would go through. He never spoke of the reasons for his sadness, but he would come out of it a couple days later. No one spoke of his time before arriving in this town, and no one seemed to know anything about his past. I stayed in the back out of the way.
It was late in the evening. The funeral was long over, and the workers had already filled in his grave. I was sitting on a little bench near his grave crying at the losses caused by the foolishness of two people long ago. Had my mother and my father's best friend not had an affair, a lot of sadness would not have been caused.
"Are you OK?" A feminine voice spoke behind me.
Turning, I saw that it was Bobby's youngest daughter.
"I will be." I replied.
"I saw you at daddy's funeral, but I don't recognize you. How did you know him?"
"Truthfully, I barely knew him. In fact, I only spoke to him once. I asked for the chance to get to know him better, but he declined."
"If you only talked to him once, then why come to his funeral?"
"Do you remember his bouts of sadness? Those were at least partially caused by me. You see, I spoke to him at my mother's funeral. He was married to my mother, but he thought that I wasn't his daughter. I came to the funeral to pay my respects to my biological father."
Two people gave into their desires. The pain they caused turned into decades of pain and sadness for themselves and several others. My mother and father had decades of remorse for the destruction of a marriage, loss of a deep friendship, and the loss of the one true love of my mother's life. My biological father suffered from the loss of his soulmate, best friend, and daughter. I am now suffering from the loss of ever truly knowing my biological father.
